‘Start a blog please.’

‘You crack me up. Start a blog please.’

This seemingly flippant comment from a friend and ex-colleague was sparked by a particularly telling, and quite frankly, ridiculous Facebook post I had penned right at the beginning of Lockdown 2020.

And it’s turned out to be the very push I needed.

The FB post in question was describing an incident which had began with an initially benign request for my eldest (referred to in the aforementioned FB post as ‘Absolute Arsehole’) to pick up his fork from the floor before the patiently-skulking, vulturous dogs did. Not a particularly taxing request.

Or so I thought.

Over the next twenty-seven minutes, after varying degrees of escalating insults, dramatic tantrums and consequent hilarity, he eventually found himself in isolated disgrace in his bedroom from 5.37 pm, chiefly due to his vicious, (yet undeniably on-trend), over-the-shoulder parting shot of ‘I hope you catch the Coronavirus and die!’

At 8pm, I finally discovered him stark-bollock naked in his fully-lit room, snoring like a drain in a pool of teary drool.

The best bit?

I later discovered that he had very eloquently, and remarkably accurately, summarised this little verbal spat as a daily entry in his ironically-titled ‘Gratitude Diary’ which he must have angrily scribbled before falling into his seven-year-old, soppy little stupor.

All over a fork. A bloody fork.

And I thought, ‘Sod it, why not?’

So here I am.

Welcome to our life.